Am I Running Out Of Time?

A few days back, I sat down with this great idea that I had planned to write about in my blog (post). I talked to a friend of mine about the topic and we both agreed that it was a good idea--she even helped me with some content and material--we can use it later. Well, for some reason, as I sat down to type today, it turned into something else completely. Maybe it is the holiday season that has me feeling this way, (Happy Gobble, Gobble Day to everyone) or maybe it is just a part of my "Relationship DNA"...either way, this is the result:

So if pink and green are the "New Black", 30 is the new 20 (according to Jay Z), is 35 REALLY the new 25 or whatever people are claiming these days? Or is that just some crap people my age are saying to make themselves feel a little bit better about "their" situations? (Sidebar, do women have to say it at an even earlier age? If so, sorry about the double-standard, my dating pool just got smaller and I am starting to really believe in that "biological clock" thing.) Any way, are these "sayings" something that we utter to ourselves so that we don’t feel like we are failures or relationship challenged? I mean, I don't feel old, I don't look old (at least not to me; and isn’t looking old relative), I still got a lot of "growing up" to do, but what is it inside of me that is telling me that "I am behind the 'Bell Curve' with respect to relationships?". Maybe, just maybe it is the fact that my friends are all either married, getting married, having kids or are in relationships and I am just not at that point yet. And, the questions keep hitting me in the damned face: "What in the hell am I missing" or better yet, "What am I 'lacking' that seems to be inherent in almost everyone else around me" or,"Will I ever get to that point?". Hell, I mean, I think we all want to "get to that point" and everyone that I know that knows me says that it will happen for me, but my biggest question is "WHEN?". Patience is not a virtue that I possess--only child syndrome.
Now, I really don't feel as if I am a "Keepin' up with the Jones'" sort of person. Hell, you can most definitely tell that just from reading the crap that I am writing. I tend to make my own way, do things my own way and I usually color outside of the lines-hell are there any lines any way? Maybe that is a part of the problem or, that IS the problem-I sometimes, well most of the time feel as if the rules don't apply to me, you know, I like to think that I am SPECIAL-don't we all? I mean, my Mommy says that I am--haha. And you know what, I really believe it, I won't lie. Have for all of my life and you know something else, there ain't nothing wrong with that. The problems occur when you think that the world is "supposed" to treat you the way that your Mommy does-IDIOT! It has gotten me into so many ill-gotten situations, that I care not to explain (another post, another time, another place). But, I won't and can't lie, it finally taught me so many lessons...lessons I probably should have learned a long time ago, but you know, I was feeling "SPECIAL"--yeah, short-bus special …and if you talk to any of my ex's, I proved and lived-up to my "Relational Retardation" many times over.
Anywhom, I digress, getting back to the matter at hand, the question that I often ask myself, and I know that a lot of you ask as well, Am I Really Running Out Of Time? Keeping it 100, there is no way in hell that any of us are running out of time as long as we are above ground, but for many things, I know that I am a little behind schedule. At 25, there was no way in the world I saw myself as husband or father material, 28, nope, 30, I was getting better , but once I hit 32, I thought that I would have some sort of clarity—NOPE. Three years later, I can now see the eye chart with corrective lenses, but damned, is that too old? I don’t want to be in bifocals when I am walking down the aisle or in the delivery room waiting for my first child to be born.
I guess that a lot of my angst can be related to the fact that I am a “Generation X'er” , the child of two “Baby-Boomers” that met early in life, saw many parts of the world early in life, married early, had me early and when I got older, they still had/have a lot of life left in them. And, I am wondering, just wondering, if I am missing the boat? My friends, you know the "married" ones, (haha) are having kids now and if things don’t change for me, they will be putting their kids through college when I am simply putting on my kiddos' diapers. I don’t know if I am running out of time per se but I can hear some alarms ringing. SNOOZE!!!

I Will Never Outrun My Shadow(Past)

Let’s be real, let’s cut out all of the BS for a second, let’s take off the “kid gloves” and be really "REAL" for a moment—EVERYBODY, (repeat) EVERYBODY HAS A PAST, EVERYBODY! You, me, your man, your woman, every one that you know. And for the past 15 years or so, I have been fighting my ass off to get out of the shadow of my very own. Trying my damndest to separate myself from the person that I “used to be” from the person “that I am”, the person “that I am becoming” –that person that I want people to see and shine through. But how can I? How can I or how can anyone really know how far they have come as a person without looking back at where they used to be? Can there really be a now if there was never a then? The answer is simple, HELL TO THE NAW (shout out to Whitney, love that saying)! I have tried to outrun my own shadow now for the last decade and a half and not only is it tiring, it is fruitless.

Although I am truly not proud of a lot of the things I have done (most of them), I can’t deny that I did them and I can’t deny that when I was doing them that I didn’t enjoy them. There was the usual lying, cheating, lying on the lies, out-cheating the cheats, underhanded dealings, sneaking around, and an overall ”Sewing of The Wild & Royal Oats.” If it was worth doing, I did it, I mean, I let “My Freak Flag Fly”, I mean, I REALLY let it fly high! I had some fun, hell, I had a lot of fun, too much fun, regretted a lot of the fun that I had and I actually saw the beginnings of the lessons that I am learning now. Did I heed them then, no, but I did see them. In the process or shall I say, during the process, I did more scandalous shit than I can recall, I missed-out on a lot of opportunities, I hurt a lot of wonderful women, (DUMMY) broke a few hearts, (including my own) and I burned a lot of bridges that I can never ever repair. I live with that guilt on a daily basis, but what can I really do about it now besides, apologize sincerely, (trust me, it doesn’t always work, in most cases it doesn’t help at all, it actually worsens the situation) acknowledge it, grow from it—real growth, not that fake crap we all do when we have drank way too much and we promise God (while our head is leaning on a cool toilet boil in the back of some shady-ass club) , understand it and little by little step out of the shadow of my own shadow.

I can’t and won’t lie, it has not all been the deep and dark shadows of the “underbelly” of morality and I am not glorifying it by any means, but just like ending a bad relationship, when you look back, you tend to focus on all of the negative things. Has my own past made me a bit resentful, guarded and a little cynical about love…I have to say yes, it really has? I have had many years of guarding my own heart from the very things that I have created; the mistrust, the hurt, the anger and the uncertainty of it all. It even made me a little resentful of people that are in those healthy and happy relationships that I once had, destroyed and am looking for in my current quest. This endeavor, with its various revealings, ramblings, heartaches, lessons and whatever the hell else it can provide is a means to break down those walls. And, as Samuel L. Jackson said in Pulp Fiction “I Am Trying Ringo, I Am Trying Real Hard To Be The Shepherd.”

I now understand my past and the role that it plays in my future, rather the role that it does not play in my future. I can’t outrun it, I don’t embrace it, but I do acknowledge it, its inglorious splendor and I am thankful of somewhat being freed from it!

Gettin’ Em Is Easy, Keepin’ Em Is The Hard Part

“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never
happen, but it is even harder when you know it is everything
you want.”

It has taken me several days to write this installation to this crazy blog endeavor and the reason is that sometimes the truth can hurt. While at times hurtful, it can be the most helpful tool when you are trying to learn more about yourself and become more “Un-Stupid”—that isn’t even a damned word, but you get the idea.
Here is the “skinny”, as I am apt to do, I was talking with my friends, Liz and EP (MISTAKE, never ever let two very educated and self-aware women that know you, “Break You Down”---haha) a few days back and they told me that one of my problems (it has been established that I have MANY) is that I am lazy—stupid and lazy great combo, right? Now, when I heard that from them, my first thought (typical by most men’s standards) was “screw that, (well, that other word…I am trying not to use too much profanity, I ain’t no heathen) they are my friends, but they don’t really know the type of work I am putting in to improve myself and the person I am striving to be.” I mean, I am here writing all about my many relational flaws, airing out all of my dirty laundry for all of the world to see, (5 readers and counting…okay 6, my Mom has two email addresses) as some sort of cathartic/self-effacing therapy. So, I really thought/think that I was/am putting in the work necessary to grow; not be this lazy person that they claim that I am being. I ain’t on the sidelines of my relationship life (or lack thereof) watching, hell, I am a starter, on the front lines working my ass off. So, when they started explaining their observations a little further, I started doing that thing that a lot of us (men) do when we are on the defensive and people (women) are telling us things that sound too much like right…I started zoning out. Their words started sounding like baby pterodactyls screeching (I am making the noise know) and I was only listening to snippets of the things that “I” wanted to hear—acting like I was paying attention, but knowing I really wasn’t. I won’t lie, I was kinda pissed! In my inner dialogue, I was still saying that same-old, same-old, “they don’t know me, they don’t know the real deal.” Now, I am in my own head, thinking what I want to think—you know ,missing the whole damned point! I was now onto the next thought-“Now they are telling me I have an inability to actively seek-out potential mates/or long term relationship…hell, have they ever tried to actively go out and find someone to be with them as a lifelong partner in this single jungle. Hell, they are happy people in happy relationships—what in the hell can they possibly know, they got someone…they are disconnected.
Still swimming around in my own head, I went down the rabbit hole a little further and started thinking, “seriously where can single people REALLY go seeking that Right Person?” I have done the bar scene **chirp, chirp, chip**…not saying that you can’t find the love of your life there, but in my experiences, you tend to find more of the “love of the night” sort of scenarios. Yes, fun while it lasts, (20-30 minutes—yeah fellas, be real, ain’t too many marathon nights and anyone who has lied and said that, well, THEY LIED...ladies will back me up on this) but what do you do when the morning comes, oh, I know, the walk of SHAME!!!?
Still thinking on my own thoughts, the Neyo (shout out to the Orignal Matrix) part of me breaks off even further(I take the blue pill) and I am thinking “ain’t no way in hell I am doing some ‘online’ dating thing. (Sidebar, I know several great couples that have met this way-much love) Damned Dr. Phil, Damned the 27 or 28 connectivity traits they use to match you up, Damned eHarmony and Match.com with their clever marketing, Damned the creating some sort of profile that is supposed to tell someone who I am in 500 characters or less and Damned sitting in front of my computer waiting for my Inbox to alert me that I match or someone matches me—isn’t that the epitome of lazy? Yeah, I know, I know way too much about something I “DAMNED” so much—don’t JUDGE me—haha!! But seriously, where do you go? My best friend Jeff says that you can meet the best women in the grocery store…more on that at a later date (maybe an experiment is in the making…stay tuned). I am sure that I will have to address this at a later date.
As I said, it has taken me several days to write this blog—I had a bunch of internal ISHT going on as the truth was MESSING me up, I was MESSING me up (see above). And after I got out of my own head and actually started listening, Liz smacked me in the face with what both she and EP were really saying: it is easy as hell to find someone, it doesn’t take a bar, dating site, social event, single’s bible study (no comment) , meeting ina grocery store or any crap like that, finding someone is the easy part, many times it just happens, but keeping them is the hard part and where the real work comes into play.
In my stupid stupor I have had many relationships—repeat HAD!!! And, as we can see,from this blog, therein lies the huge problem--HAD. I have had many relationships, but I have not maintained them. Too many issues to explain—I will probably reveal them later, but you can imagine.--LAZY & STUPID I haven’t put in the REAL work necessary to make them lasting relationships. I won’t lie, the last one I did, (seriously) and the one before that I did , I thought (leaving out the comments I made that I thought were jokes, but ending up ENDING my relationship) but as Liz often says, “Right Guy, Wrong Girl, Wrong Guy, Right Girl, Right Guy, Right Girl, Wrong Time…” But, the whole point is that when I was blessed with a relationship, I chose not to put in the work. You know, the things that you do in the beginning, but don’t do over the course of the relationship—see: dressing up, maintaining that “spark”, not farting (we all do it, I still think it is funny), maintaining physical and mental appearances (no matter what any one says, both are very important), communicating, doing the small things (my ex-fiance use to tell me that A LOT), focusing on the romance, reiterating her importance in my life, the list goes on and on. Whatever the case may be, for some reason ,I tended to lose focus and I am wondering why? As the truth continues to reveal itself, and I continue to put that mirror up to myself, we will see…