What She SAID…What I HEARD…

So today I had this wonderful epiphany, a huge realization of sorts, something that may even surpass my own stupidity--MAYBE! I realized that I am no different than any other man in my situation, but there are a couple of exceptions. Contrary to what many have said, (thank you for your responses via Facebook, Twitter, by phone, IM & SKYPE, in person, etc…) I am no misogynist, I am really not superficial, I am not surface, (those could be construed as the same thing but whatever) I am not unrelenting in my beliefs (change can be good) and I am willing to learn--though I may be a little remedial in my studies, I AM willing. Hell, it takes a long time to attempt to undo 35 years of ignorance. But, I do know what I like and where my deficiencies live. The real problem, the core if you will is that I, like most men TRULY Love women, I mean, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE women, BUT have the damnedest time understanding them—what they say, what they mean, their actions, reactions or lack thereof…it is like they are speaking Chinese I only understand Spanish. I am sure that many men reading this can relate and if not, this is not meant for you and you don’t count—stop reading. Hell, I am not even sure if a man like that was ever really created, and if you were, you are the mystical and magical white unicorn or the great sasquatch that many have claimed to have seen, but not any one that I know. Therefore, you don’t exist in my world!! And, if you do exist and we cross paths, I will tell all my female friends that they missed-out on the greatest thing ever created by God’s hands—The Infamous “Unicorn Sasquatch Man.”

Back to the matter at hand, COMMUNICATION, or lack thereof. I have married friends, Happily Married (SURPRISE) and they all tell me that communication is THE key to a happy relationship/marriage, but none of them can ever claim to ever Really understand their wives. I am not knocking them by any means, I mean, hell look at where I am—sitting behind a computer keyboard typing a blog about my “singledom”, and they are celebrating their lives together, so I am in no position to criticize, I just want to understand.

My friends and I have spent many SundayFundays “waxing philosophical” and watching football talking over hours and hours of “What Women Want”, “What Women Think”…hell, Hollywood has made tons of movies on the subject and the consensus of my friends and the movies for that matter, is to simply say that WE DON’T KNOW!!! Hell, many men say that “it is better to JUST agree with her than to disagree”, they also say “the key is to just pretend that you are listening and nod your head up and down in agreement when she says ‘yes’ or ‘right’ and sideways when she says ‘no’ ” or the old “85/15 Rule” that counseling touts as “the willingness to accept that 85% of what you want may be good enough when 100% is not possible”. Really, I mean Really? What gets me, and here is the amazing thing about those ideologies…it is so amazing that it is hard to believe, most of us buy into them as if they are the Golden Rule. WTF—the status quo? That may work for married men, (sorry guys, not putting you on blast, maybe I am--haha) but it is hard as hell for me to look at my past & present and see it as a viable solution. Let me get married and I will get back to ya!!! But, hell, if I sat down with my married women friends, they would probably say the same crap about their husbands. So, where does that leave us…back at the status quo?

As I explore this single life, (did I mention that it sucks) I realize that I tend to have way more questions than answers and this COMMUNICATION THING is no different. But I do have my thoughts—crazy, but they are thoughts. Oh yeah, for any relationship critics reading this (you know who you are), I said “thing” because it FITS don’t read any thing into that for the love of God.

Men and women simply communicate on different levels, way different levels—shall we look at “When Harry Met Sally” as an example—the diner scene was awesome and sad all at the same time—two different levels. Not for nothing, women can do that same thing with tears—both of which suck if they happen to you, but as a guy, you may never know. A great and Evil weapon if you will. Women tend to encompass the entire picture, they have the 10,000 foot view, while men tend to focus on one thing, one object, at 10 foot view…no women, I did not say that you were smarter…(you might be) and I didn’t say men (all men) are stupid, just a lot of us—we just see things differently. I will break it down like this, and you will have to trust me on this one because there will be a lot of trees and not a lot of forest on this adventure. I love football, so I am going to use a football analogy that hopefully both women and men will understand, somewhat:

Women tend to view relationships and life like an Offensive Coordinator. They analyze the defense, they know if there will be a blitz by the linebacker, a stunt by the defensive lineman, if there is zone or man coverage and they know the offensive scheme like no one else. They know the responsibilities and routes of the wide receivers, the blocking scheme of the offensive line, they know if the tight end is in on the blocking scheme or if he is running a route, they know if a run is called where the running back is suppose to go, if there is a pass, who the running back is supposed to block and for the quarterback they know if it is a 3 or 5 step drop, they know the “hot route”, “check down” and if there is an audible, they usually know the audible play—that is what you get with women.

Men, well, let’s say that a man is a single player on the offensive unit, if we are playing wide-receiver, we know if we are running a “go route” a “hitch and go” or if there is a need for us to pick up a block down field. If we are lineman, we know our blocking responsibility, a tight-end, if we are running a route or blocking, a running back, if we are running the ball, faking, picking up the block for our quarterback or acting as the “check down” option but we RARELY, I MEAN RARELY know the responsibilities of anyone other than our own. I mean, we know the audible and the snap count, but sometimes we even get that wrong—“False Start on #33 On The Offense”. I know that there are some quarterbacks among us—meaning that they know the offensive play calls and the responsibilities of the integral parts and they may read something in the defense to cause them to change the play call, but just like the Brett Favres in the NFL, those are few are far between in the REAL WORLD! Let's call them the MysticalMagicalUniquaFavrian Quarterbacking GOD!!! You see one, GRAB 'EM!! They are worth a lifetime!!

What I am saying is that I guess that we as men, I as a man, need to try and think more like Offensive Coordinators and women need to think more like players-somehow we both have to meet at 5,000 feet. How we accomplish that, well, that is that whole Chinese thing to me? You ever listened in when a quarterback calls a play he received from the Offensive Coordinator:

Queen Right Jet Right 940 F Corner Swing On 3

I understand that so much more than when I hear, “We Need To Talk”—seriously what does that mean? I think that it is Chinese for "You Messed Up, You Need To TRY TO DO SOMETHING To Fix It"--DAMNIT, there in lies the problem.

I AM TOO DAMNED PICKY...AND STUPID

So, about a day or so ago, my Aunt sent me an email that really had no intent behind it except to say that we go through these phases in our lives that take us through stages that temper how we address our Moms: Mommy to Mom to Mother. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a "Mama's Boy", (we will address that some time later--it could be an entire blog in and of itself, trust me on that one and yes, I did send the email on to my Mom)but the end of the email said something very pertinent and it made me think that maybe I am just too damned picky. Here is what it said:

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she
carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the
doorway to her heart, The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, But true beauty in a
woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she Shows,
and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!"

Now, corny-rhyming poetry aside, the words above and the speech/lecture that my closest female friend gave me got me to REALLY thinking, "I am just too damned picky when it comes to the type of woman I want or the type of woman I would date"—PICKY & STUPID, great combo.
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too old, too young, too many kids (might have to lighten up on that one as I get older in my years)...you know the list, because you have one yourself! Either her feet are too big (note, this is one that I will never bend on-you never want a woman whose feet are sticking-up higher than yours when you are in the bed), too ethnic, too white, too shallow, high-maintenance, low-maintenance, wears too much make-up, not enough make-up, too loud, too quiet, on and on and on... Stopping for a moment and looking back at what I have written and the things that simply came off of the top of my head, I realize that I am, by all intensive purposes putting up too many barriers for my own damned good—yeehaw, STUPID.
I mean, once I force myself to think about it, (yes, that hurts) I am truly no symbol of perfection my DAMNED SELF as you all can see. Though sometimes/most times I truly like to believe it and I try my best to make others around me believe it too. But deep down in that place that none of us like to talk about (you know that whole "Come To Jesus Meeting In The Mirror"), I know that I fall WAAAY short of even coming close to perfection--no one does. Long waist/torso, short legs, small ass (yes, some guys worry about their ass size), BIG head, big eyes, big teeth, my nose--no comment, somewhere in between skinny and athletic (had a beer gut one time--not pretty, repeat "HAD"), smart ass, egocentric...okay, that is enough to get the point across that no one can attain perfection. I wanna blame my "shallowness" on television, media and marketing, but that is a cop out and anyone with half of a brain and a bit of self-awareness and integrity knows that thinking on that level is normal, but not acceptable in the Real Dating World.
So, the big question, the question that is probably the impetus for this blogging effort and self-deprecation is “how do I fix it”? Liz (my best female friend and confidant; happily married by the way) says that we all have lists, but to get out of “my own damned way”, I need to drastically shorten the list…you know, create a small list of “haves” versus a huge list of “have nots”. So, here we go:

1.She has to make me laugh
2.She has to be intelligent (educated or worldly, as in traveled, not “hoeish”/”whoreish”)
3.She has to be flexible and understanding—we can define that later
4.I won’t lie, she has to be attractive to ME(I don’t exactly know that means, but I have an idea)
5.She has to be a social chameleon—hangin’ with the crew or at some 5-Star Event
6.She has to see those same things that I outlined above in me

Well, there it is in black and white (or whatever color this blog is), “My LIST”. I wrote it down, now we will have to see how well I stick to my own “guidelines”. Truth, a couple of minutes after I wrote this, I wanted to change it, you know, add a little here, re-word some things there, but I refrained. 20 minutes and counting..., so far so good…

The Beginnings of Stupidity...

As it is, to find the solution to a problem, it is imperative to go back to the beginning, the “Root” if you will. The ugly place that no one really likes to talk about, but we all know is the real reason for why we are who we are and why we do many of the things that we (I) do. It is time for me to have that thing that we all have to have with ourselves if we (I) really want to get out of this perpetual Stupidity Cycle--that “Come to Jesus Meeting”. I guess you could also call it the “Tyra Banks Get Naked In Front Of My Mirror Moment”…damn, do I really want to do that? I guess so, my forehead is not nearly as large as hers and I do like to be naked, so what the hell.

Looking back to when I was a youngster, I ask myself this question, “can I attribute my stupidity in relationships to something that I may have seen growing up, something that may have occurred in my own household, or maybe something that I conjured-up in my own adolescent mind?”. And when I REALLY think back, I realize that although my family was not the Huxtables (shout out to Cliff, Claire, Sandra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa & Rudy-shame on you if you don't know The Cosby Show), we sure played a great second fiddle to them—less the siblings and what not—ONLY CHILD SYBDROME can we say?

My Mom and my Dad were and are both very loving parents. I was the center of attention to all of this love, this goodness and this kindness. I was the first grandchild, the first male born in a long time and I was raised around my entire family—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole nine--small town. Many would say that I was and still am a bit spoiled and that might be accurate—hell, it is dead on but, what does being spoiled have to do with the price of tea in China (one of my Mom’s favorite sayings)? Well, Tyra, I will tell you, it probably has to do with most, if not all of the stupidity that I perpetuate. Putting on my own Dr. Phil mustache, (I hate that I have mentioned Oprah, Trya & Dr.Phil in these damned blogs, but I too am a victim of popular culture) being the center to all of that attention, the doting, the protective bubble, the preferential treatments, etc…and so forth, you really “start to smell yourself”- (street vernacular for “you really begin to think and BELIEVE that you are the s**t”). I see why many celebrities are real pricks--haha!!

Looking into the mirror, you get to see yourself for who you really are—sans the True Religion jeans you so dearly love b/c you “think” that they make your ass look like you could bounce quarters of it—yeah, I said it, no witty t-shirts that are sometimes conversation starters or argument starters depending on the surroundings--shout out to Cafe Press, no newspaper boy hat cocked to the side like you like to wear it to cover up your eyes, no barriers to protect you, no make-up to cover-up your flaws (no, I don’t wear make-up, I am a Metrosexual, not a cross-dresser), but what's really wrong with toner--LOL? Truthfully, it is really scary to have to see yourself broken down to your basic elements, although, I have to say, I wouldn’t mind seeing Tyra that way—dig?

So the question still remaines, what went, dramatically wrong? I mean, I didn’t have to get engulfed in the “center of attention/spotlight” mentality. What my parents and family did was not wrong, it was love, unconditional and true. It was not intended to make me into a jerk, rather, a productive and loving man in the world.…not the guy that got slapped in the face at his job because he thought that he was being slick having a girlfriend and a"friend" at the same time or the guy that got kicked in the balls in the middle of an argument trying to explain why he had certain email addresses and PICTURES or the idiot that tapped his girlfriend's stomach and made one of the dumbest comments on the planet about her weight, which by the way, she was flawless, some jokes just aren't funny and, your sense of humor should never drift over to weight, how her ass looks, if she is having a good or bad hair day. When trying to be funny and you hear that voice in your head speak, you should just shut-up. To any guys reading this, never ever, ever, ever make a joke like that, you will never get a laugh, you will only get lonely. (many stories to come--stay tuned).

The truth is, I was born a man and even worse, developed into a STUPID MAN? The real question is , how do I fix it? Can I and men like me be fixed? We will see…

Reality Setting In....

I have to admit that the reasoning behind this endeavor stems from the fact that as a 35 year old man, I ask myself daily "Why Am I Still Single?". I have had this question broached to me by friends--married and single ones, ex-girlfriends, ex one-night stands, lovers and women that I meet in passing...the questions and people are endless. I mean, I am fairly attractive, I work-out to keep my body in shape, I am intelligent, pretty funny, gainfully employed, self-sufficient...you get the idea. More importantly, why would I want to broadcast this fact for the world to see and the answer, to my utter disdain is this: I, like many men that are in my situation and are too afraid to admit it, is that I am hopelessly and utterly stupid. We, the collective "ignorant" are still thinking that the things that got us over in high school will get us to the ultimate goal of finding a partner and confidant in life--WRONG!!!!!

I have seen alot of the books written by women and even a few of them written by men that are supposed to show the true insight to the mind of the man: He's Just Not That Into You, It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, Emontional Unavailability, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus (good one by the way), but none of them speak to the truth of the matter: most of us men, if not all of us are "STUPID"--plain and simple. It is the few lucky ones that recognize that they have to fight daily to defeat the "idiot within".

As you can see, I am still learning (like an infant learning to crawl) and we will all explore my growth or possibly the lack thereof together to see if I can at first come to understand what the hell it is that I am actually thinking, feeling, doing (I hear that it is all about your actions with women) and believing when it comes to the fairer sex.

This is not going to be one of those "dog men" every chance we get blogs, but let's be honest, there are a lot of us that can stand to be critiqued. Who knows, this thing may spread and grow and one day I can actually find and maintain a loving relationship and possibly get on Oprah--haha! One day at a time!