Is There REALLY A Santa Claus

If there is, here is my Christmas Letter:

Dear Santa,

I am pretty pissed and I think that you know why...I don't need to spell it out, but you know what I want for Christmas. The list hasn't changed in the last 10 years. I realize that for a few years (say 23-32) I was a bit naughty, you know this, you are Santa for Christ's Sake. But, as of late, I have been what most would consider "nice"--a bit spoiled, (thanks, Mom & Dad) but nonetheless pretty nice. Seriously, what in the "F" is up with you putting a lump of coal in my "life stocking" every damned year--can you explain? Can I get some sort of a "nice" stocking stuffer as opposed to this dark lump you seem to leave every year.
Did you ever think that I too deserve to be happy, that I deserve a "good" gift because of my nice deeds and my attempts to do a 180 with my relationship life? You gotta tell me, what other nice things do I need to do? NO, NO, NO...I guess that is your answer because every year, it is the same old story, same song, second verse, EVERY verse. I had a conversation the other day about you and a friend of a friend said that "people get exactly what they want". Despite what they say, the things that they claim that they want, are not what they "truly" want. Now, I don't believe that at all because THIS is far from what I want. Oh, and if you once again read my list, come to my house, eat my cookies, drink my milk and put an "X "by my name again and write "Patience"...we might just have to fight!!
Okay seriously, are you just not getting my list? Hell, I have been sending it to the same address year after year--North Pole, right? I mean, I don't think that you moved--traded in the winter home for a place in Boca--did you? Seriously, tell me what's up!!! If I need more stamps, (by the way, how are kids supposed to send you letters when stamps are like $1.25 a pop--Damned US Postal Service) if I need to send the letter Certified Mail or UPS/Fed Ex Overnight, just let me know.
Alright, maybe you read it and decided that it is "in my best interest" to send me more crap. I mean, was I not specific, did I not explain myself in great enough detail or was my hand-writing just not up to snuff? Did I write "meaningful" and you thought it was "meaningless" or "lovely" and you thought it was "lousy"? Either way, I am getting pretty fed up with the same old SH**!!
So, this time I am putting this out in the Cosmos and I am hoping that with the few days you have between now and the Big Day, you can use your database, locate the coal that I know you were planning to drop off to me and switch it something more appropriate to my current wishes--you think you can do that this year? Think Nicole Scherzinger, Charlize Theron or we can even go classic...Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Lena Horne...I mean, I know that I Ain't All That (future post), but you get the idea. Safe travels and tell Karma that I said "Hello" and to "lighten up a bit"!

Signed,

Still Single & A Little Less Stupid