If there is, here is my Christmas Letter:
Dear Santa,
I am pretty pissed and I think that you know why...I don't need to spell it out, but you know what I want for Christmas. The list hasn't changed in the last 10 years. I realize that for a few years (say 23-32) I was a bit naughty, you know this, you are Santa for Christ's Sake. But, as of late, I have been what most would consider "nice"--a bit spoiled, (thanks, Mom & Dad) but nonetheless pretty nice. Seriously, what in the "F" is up with you putting a lump of coal in my "life stocking" every damned year--can you explain? Can I get some sort of a "nice" stocking stuffer as opposed to this dark lump you seem to leave every year.
Did you ever think that I too deserve to be happy, that I deserve a "good" gift because of my nice deeds and my attempts to do a 180 with my relationship life? You gotta tell me, what other nice things do I need to do? NO, NO, NO...I guess that is your answer because every year, it is the same old story, same song, second verse, EVERY verse. I had a conversation the other day about you and a friend of a friend said that "people get exactly what they want". Despite what they say, the things that they claim that they want, are not what they "truly" want. Now, I don't believe that at all because THIS is far from what I want. Oh, and if you once again read my list, come to my house, eat my cookies, drink my milk and put an "X "by my name again and write "Patience"...we might just have to fight!!
Okay seriously, are you just not getting my list? Hell, I have been sending it to the same address year after year--North Pole, right? I mean, I don't think that you moved--traded in the winter home for a place in Boca--did you? Seriously, tell me what's up!!! If I need more stamps, (by the way, how are kids supposed to send you letters when stamps are like $1.25 a pop--Damned US Postal Service) if I need to send the letter Certified Mail or UPS/Fed Ex Overnight, just let me know.
Alright, maybe you read it and decided that it is "in my best interest" to send me more crap. I mean, was I not specific, did I not explain myself in great enough detail or was my hand-writing just not up to snuff? Did I write "meaningful" and you thought it was "meaningless" or "lovely" and you thought it was "lousy"? Either way, I am getting pretty fed up with the same old SH**!!
So, this time I am putting this out in the Cosmos and I am hoping that with the few days you have between now and the Big Day, you can use your database, locate the coal that I know you were planning to drop off to me and switch it something more appropriate to my current wishes--you think you can do that this year? Think Nicole Scherzinger, Charlize Theron or we can even go classic...Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Lena Horne...I mean, I know that I Ain't All That (future post), but you get the idea. Safe travels and tell Karma that I said "Hello" and to "lighten up a bit"!
Signed,
Still Single & A Little Less Stupid
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Grrrrr, BAD TIGER....
Wow, what can you really say that has not already been said? First, I have to admit, I am really tired of seeing Tiger and Elin Woods all over the news--I mean, have we just become a public that loves tragedy so much that that is all that the media reports? Never mind, I already know the answer.
Any whom, the whole Tiger fiasco got me to thinking (hell, it got everybody thinking even if you didn't want to) and you wanna know what I think...(too bad,it's my blog and I am going to say it any way): I think that for the most part, we are too fucked up to know what it is that we really want. Or, we are too afraid or better yet, we are too damned selfish to sacrifice a part of our selves for the greater good of "coupledom". Again, this is not a sweeping judgment across the board, but for a lot of the single people that I know, (including myself), this could be the reason for our "Singledom". We have all gotten used to the way that we want things, the way that we like things and the way that we expect things to be and that whole "me, me, me" attitude has caused us to be with just ourselves--alone and lonely.
We have gotten so swept up with the way that we want things that we have become never evolving, never changing and we always end up in the same spot. Though, in our minds, we really think that we are evolving and ever changing. In my humble and angry opinion, I think that a lot of us (again, myself included) have become relationally insane because we seem to keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. Or, we tend to do nothing at all. A lot of us just can't seem to get out of our own way. We often become too busy trying to change others to fit the way that WE think that they should be with us that we lose sight of the fact that we aren't the most perfect people.
A lot of times, hell, all of the time, my biggest fear is: "Maybe I am too scared to make the right or wrong decision." In baseball analogy, I am afraid to take my foot off of first base in order to get home. I may be a victim of my own relationship history as the things that I have done to others in the past keep me from opening up for fear that they may happen to me. It is rather sad when you have haunting dreams of wounds that won't heal--Karma...WOW!!!
I guess,in a nutshell it comes down to the decisions that you do or do not make based on that internal dialogue that you have with yourself. Why you won't open-up because of what may have happened to you in the past, what pain you may have inflicted on someone else in the past or the very fear of, it might not work-out the way that you planned it. I mean, I have this ideal in my head of how I want things to be, the way that I think a successful relationship should be and the very fear that something may fall short of that is what holds me back! I need a relationship memory eraser--do they make those (alcohol works on so well and it is not permanent).
It is that very insanity that keeps a lot of us from growing and developing meaningful relationships--the fear of the unknown. I am sure that Elin did not go into her marriage thinking that Tiger was the "man-whore" that we have all come to know him to be in recent weeks. Who can you trust?
Questions, Questions, Questions...Looking for the Answers!!!! I am not even sure if I will ever find them. But, I will keep looking!
BAD TIGER!!!
Any whom, the whole Tiger fiasco got me to thinking (hell, it got everybody thinking even if you didn't want to) and you wanna know what I think...(too bad,it's my blog and I am going to say it any way): I think that for the most part, we are too fucked up to know what it is that we really want. Or, we are too afraid or better yet, we are too damned selfish to sacrifice a part of our selves for the greater good of "coupledom". Again, this is not a sweeping judgment across the board, but for a lot of the single people that I know, (including myself), this could be the reason for our "Singledom". We have all gotten used to the way that we want things, the way that we like things and the way that we expect things to be and that whole "me, me, me" attitude has caused us to be with just ourselves--alone and lonely.
We have gotten so swept up with the way that we want things that we have become never evolving, never changing and we always end up in the same spot. Though, in our minds, we really think that we are evolving and ever changing. In my humble and angry opinion, I think that a lot of us (again, myself included) have become relationally insane because we seem to keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. Or, we tend to do nothing at all. A lot of us just can't seem to get out of our own way. We often become too busy trying to change others to fit the way that WE think that they should be with us that we lose sight of the fact that we aren't the most perfect people.
A lot of times, hell, all of the time, my biggest fear is: "Maybe I am too scared to make the right or wrong decision." In baseball analogy, I am afraid to take my foot off of first base in order to get home. I may be a victim of my own relationship history as the things that I have done to others in the past keep me from opening up for fear that they may happen to me. It is rather sad when you have haunting dreams of wounds that won't heal--Karma...WOW!!!
I guess,in a nutshell it comes down to the decisions that you do or do not make based on that internal dialogue that you have with yourself. Why you won't open-up because of what may have happened to you in the past, what pain you may have inflicted on someone else in the past or the very fear of, it might not work-out the way that you planned it. I mean, I have this ideal in my head of how I want things to be, the way that I think a successful relationship should be and the very fear that something may fall short of that is what holds me back! I need a relationship memory eraser--do they make those (alcohol works on so well and it is not permanent).
It is that very insanity that keeps a lot of us from growing and developing meaningful relationships--the fear of the unknown. I am sure that Elin did not go into her marriage thinking that Tiger was the "man-whore" that we have all come to know him to be in recent weeks. Who can you trust?
Questions, Questions, Questions...Looking for the Answers!!!! I am not even sure if I will ever find them. But, I will keep looking!
BAD TIGER!!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Am I Running Out Of Time?
A few days back, I sat down with this great idea that I had planned to write about in my blog (post). I talked to a friend of mine about the topic and we both agreed that it was a good idea--she even helped me with some content and material--we can use it later. Well, for some reason, as I sat down to type today, it turned into something else completely. Maybe it is the holiday season that has me feeling this way, (Happy Gobble, Gobble Day to everyone) or maybe it is just a part of my "Relationship DNA"...either way, this is the result:
So if pink and green are the "New Black", 30 is the new 20 (according to Jay Z), is 35 REALLY the new 25 or whatever people are claiming these days? Or is that just some crap people my age are saying to make themselves feel a little bit better about "their" situations? (Sidebar, do women have to say it at an even earlier age? If so, sorry about the double-standard, my dating pool just got smaller and I am starting to really believe in that "biological clock" thing.) Any way, are these "sayings" something that we utter to ourselves so that we don’t feel like we are failures or relationship challenged? I mean, I don't feel old, I don't look old (at least not to me; and isn’t looking old relative), I still got a lot of "growing up" to do, but what is it inside of me that is telling me that "I am behind the 'Bell Curve' with respect to relationships?". Maybe, just maybe it is the fact that my friends are all either married, getting married, having kids or are in relationships and I am just not at that point yet. And, the questions keep hitting me in the damned face: "What in the hell am I missing" or better yet, "What am I 'lacking' that seems to be inherent in almost everyone else around me" or,"Will I ever get to that point?". Hell, I mean, I think we all want to "get to that point" and everyone that I know that knows me says that it will happen for me, but my biggest question is "WHEN?". Patience is not a virtue that I possess--only child syndrome.
Now, I really don't feel as if I am a "Keepin' up with the Jones'" sort of person. Hell, you can most definitely tell that just from reading the crap that I am writing. I tend to make my own way, do things my own way and I usually color outside of the lines-hell are there any lines any way? Maybe that is a part of the problem or, that IS the problem-I sometimes, well most of the time feel as if the rules don't apply to me, you know, I like to think that I am SPECIAL-don't we all? I mean, my Mommy says that I am--haha. And you know what, I really believe it, I won't lie. Have for all of my life and you know something else, there ain't nothing wrong with that. The problems occur when you think that the world is "supposed" to treat you the way that your Mommy does-IDIOT! It has gotten me into so many ill-gotten situations, that I care not to explain (another post, another time, another place). But, I won't and can't lie, it finally taught me so many lessons...lessons I probably should have learned a long time ago, but you know, I was feeling "SPECIAL"--yeah, short-bus special …and if you talk to any of my ex's, I proved and lived-up to my "Relational Retardation" many times over.
Anywhom, I digress, getting back to the matter at hand, the question that I often ask myself, and I know that a lot of you ask as well, Am I Really Running Out Of Time? Keeping it 100, there is no way in hell that any of us are running out of time as long as we are above ground, but for many things, I know that I am a little behind schedule. At 25, there was no way in the world I saw myself as husband or father material, 28, nope, 30, I was getting better , but once I hit 32, I thought that I would have some sort of clarity—NOPE. Three years later, I can now see the eye chart with corrective lenses, but damned, is that too old? I don’t want to be in bifocals when I am walking down the aisle or in the delivery room waiting for my first child to be born.
I guess that a lot of my angst can be related to the fact that I am a “Generation X'er” , the child of two “Baby-Boomers” that met early in life, saw many parts of the world early in life, married early, had me early and when I got older, they still had/have a lot of life left in them. And, I am wondering, just wondering, if I am missing the boat? My friends, you know the "married" ones, (haha) are having kids now and if things don’t change for me, they will be putting their kids through college when I am simply putting on my kiddos' diapers. I don’t know if I am running out of time per se but I can hear some alarms ringing. SNOOZE!!!
So if pink and green are the "New Black", 30 is the new 20 (according to Jay Z), is 35 REALLY the new 25 or whatever people are claiming these days? Or is that just some crap people my age are saying to make themselves feel a little bit better about "their" situations? (Sidebar, do women have to say it at an even earlier age? If so, sorry about the double-standard, my dating pool just got smaller and I am starting to really believe in that "biological clock" thing.) Any way, are these "sayings" something that we utter to ourselves so that we don’t feel like we are failures or relationship challenged? I mean, I don't feel old, I don't look old (at least not to me; and isn’t looking old relative), I still got a lot of "growing up" to do, but what is it inside of me that is telling me that "I am behind the 'Bell Curve' with respect to relationships?". Maybe, just maybe it is the fact that my friends are all either married, getting married, having kids or are in relationships and I am just not at that point yet. And, the questions keep hitting me in the damned face: "What in the hell am I missing" or better yet, "What am I 'lacking' that seems to be inherent in almost everyone else around me" or,"Will I ever get to that point?". Hell, I mean, I think we all want to "get to that point" and everyone that I know that knows me says that it will happen for me, but my biggest question is "WHEN?". Patience is not a virtue that I possess--only child syndrome.
Now, I really don't feel as if I am a "Keepin' up with the Jones'" sort of person. Hell, you can most definitely tell that just from reading the crap that I am writing. I tend to make my own way, do things my own way and I usually color outside of the lines-hell are there any lines any way? Maybe that is a part of the problem or, that IS the problem-I sometimes, well most of the time feel as if the rules don't apply to me, you know, I like to think that I am SPECIAL-don't we all? I mean, my Mommy says that I am--haha. And you know what, I really believe it, I won't lie. Have for all of my life and you know something else, there ain't nothing wrong with that. The problems occur when you think that the world is "supposed" to treat you the way that your Mommy does-IDIOT! It has gotten me into so many ill-gotten situations, that I care not to explain (another post, another time, another place). But, I won't and can't lie, it finally taught me so many lessons...lessons I probably should have learned a long time ago, but you know, I was feeling "SPECIAL"--yeah, short-bus special …and if you talk to any of my ex's, I proved and lived-up to my "Relational Retardation" many times over.
Anywhom, I digress, getting back to the matter at hand, the question that I often ask myself, and I know that a lot of you ask as well, Am I Really Running Out Of Time? Keeping it 100, there is no way in hell that any of us are running out of time as long as we are above ground, but for many things, I know that I am a little behind schedule. At 25, there was no way in the world I saw myself as husband or father material, 28, nope, 30, I was getting better , but once I hit 32, I thought that I would have some sort of clarity—NOPE. Three years later, I can now see the eye chart with corrective lenses, but damned, is that too old? I don’t want to be in bifocals when I am walking down the aisle or in the delivery room waiting for my first child to be born.
I guess that a lot of my angst can be related to the fact that I am a “Generation X'er” , the child of two “Baby-Boomers” that met early in life, saw many parts of the world early in life, married early, had me early and when I got older, they still had/have a lot of life left in them. And, I am wondering, just wondering, if I am missing the boat? My friends, you know the "married" ones, (haha) are having kids now and if things don’t change for me, they will be putting their kids through college when I am simply putting on my kiddos' diapers. I don’t know if I am running out of time per se but I can hear some alarms ringing. SNOOZE!!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I Will Never Outrun My Shadow(Past)
Let’s be real, let’s cut out all of the BS for a second, let’s take off the “kid gloves” and be really "REAL" for a moment—EVERYBODY, (repeat) EVERYBODY HAS A PAST, EVERYBODY! You, me, your man, your woman, every one that you know. And for the past 15 years or so, I have been fighting my ass off to get out of the shadow of my very own. Trying my damndest to separate myself from the person that I “used to be” from the person “that I am”, the person “that I am becoming” –that person that I want people to see and shine through. But how can I? How can I or how can anyone really know how far they have come as a person without looking back at where they used to be? Can there really be a now if there was never a then? The answer is simple, HELL TO THE NAW (shout out to Whitney, love that saying)! I have tried to outrun my own shadow now for the last decade and a half and not only is it tiring, it is fruitless.
Although I am truly not proud of a lot of the things I have done (most of them), I can’t deny that I did them and I can’t deny that when I was doing them that I didn’t enjoy them. There was the usual lying, cheating, lying on the lies, out-cheating the cheats, underhanded dealings, sneaking around, and an overall ”Sewing of The Wild & Royal Oats.” If it was worth doing, I did it, I mean, I let “My Freak Flag Fly”, I mean, I REALLY let it fly high! I had some fun, hell, I had a lot of fun, too much fun, regretted a lot of the fun that I had and I actually saw the beginnings of the lessons that I am learning now. Did I heed them then, no, but I did see them. In the process or shall I say, during the process, I did more scandalous shit than I can recall, I missed-out on a lot of opportunities, I hurt a lot of wonderful women, (DUMMY) broke a few hearts, (including my own) and I burned a lot of bridges that I can never ever repair. I live with that guilt on a daily basis, but what can I really do about it now besides, apologize sincerely, (trust me, it doesn’t always work, in most cases it doesn’t help at all, it actually worsens the situation) acknowledge it, grow from it—real growth, not that fake crap we all do when we have drank way too much and we promise God (while our head is leaning on a cool toilet boil in the back of some shady-ass club) , understand it and little by little step out of the shadow of my own shadow.
I can’t and won’t lie, it has not all been the deep and dark shadows of the “underbelly” of morality and I am not glorifying it by any means, but just like ending a bad relationship, when you look back, you tend to focus on all of the negative things. Has my own past made me a bit resentful, guarded and a little cynical about love…I have to say yes, it really has? I have had many years of guarding my own heart from the very things that I have created; the mistrust, the hurt, the anger and the uncertainty of it all. It even made me a little resentful of people that are in those healthy and happy relationships that I once had, destroyed and am looking for in my current quest. This endeavor, with its various revealings, ramblings, heartaches, lessons and whatever the hell else it can provide is a means to break down those walls. And, as Samuel L. Jackson said in Pulp Fiction “I Am Trying Ringo, I Am Trying Real Hard To Be The Shepherd.”
I now understand my past and the role that it plays in my future, rather the role that it does not play in my future. I can’t outrun it, I don’t embrace it, but I do acknowledge it, its inglorious splendor and I am thankful of somewhat being freed from it!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Gettin’ Em Is Easy, Keepin’ Em Is The Hard Part
“It’s hard to wait around for something you know may never
happen, but it is even harder when you know it is everything
you want.”
It has taken me several days to write this installation to this crazy blog endeavor and the reason is that sometimes the truth can hurt. While at times hurtful, it can be the most helpful tool when you are trying to learn more about yourself and become more “Un-Stupid”—that isn’t even a damned word, but you get the idea.
Here is the “skinny”, as I am apt to do, I was talking with my friends, Liz and EP (MISTAKE, never ever let two very educated and self-aware women that know you, “Break You Down”---haha) a few days back and they told me that one of my problems (it has been established that I have MANY) is that I am lazy—stupid and lazy great combo, right? Now, when I heard that from them, my first thought (typical by most men’s standards) was “screw that, (well, that other word…I am trying not to use too much profanity, I ain’t no heathen) they are my friends, but they don’t really know the type of work I am putting in to improve myself and the person I am striving to be.” I mean, I am here writing all about my many relational flaws, airing out all of my dirty laundry for all of the world to see, (5 readers and counting…okay 6, my Mom has two email addresses) as some sort of cathartic/self-effacing therapy. So, I really thought/think that I was/am putting in the work necessary to grow; not be this lazy person that they claim that I am being. I ain’t on the sidelines of my relationship life (or lack thereof) watching, hell, I am a starter, on the front lines working my ass off. So, when they started explaining their observations a little further, I started doing that thing that a lot of us (men) do when we are on the defensive and people (women) are telling us things that sound too much like right…I started zoning out. Their words started sounding like baby pterodactyls screeching (I am making the noise know) and I was only listening to snippets of the things that “I” wanted to hear—acting like I was paying attention, but knowing I really wasn’t. I won’t lie, I was kinda pissed! In my inner dialogue, I was still saying that same-old, same-old, “they don’t know me, they don’t know the real deal.” Now, I am in my own head, thinking what I want to think—you know ,missing the whole damned point! I was now onto the next thought-“Now they are telling me I have an inability to actively seek-out potential mates/or long term relationship…hell, have they ever tried to actively go out and find someone to be with them as a lifelong partner in this single jungle. Hell, they are happy people in happy relationships—what in the hell can they possibly know, they got someone…they are disconnected.
Still swimming around in my own head, I went down the rabbit hole a little further and started thinking, “seriously where can single people REALLY go seeking that Right Person?” I have done the bar scene **chirp, chirp, chip**…not saying that you can’t find the love of your life there, but in my experiences, you tend to find more of the “love of the night” sort of scenarios. Yes, fun while it lasts, (20-30 minutes—yeah fellas, be real, ain’t too many marathon nights and anyone who has lied and said that, well, THEY LIED...ladies will back me up on this) but what do you do when the morning comes, oh, I know, the walk of SHAME!!!?
Still thinking on my own thoughts, the Neyo (shout out to the Orignal Matrix) part of me breaks off even further(I take the blue pill) and I am thinking “ain’t no way in hell I am doing some ‘online’ dating thing. (Sidebar, I know several great couples that have met this way-much love) Damned Dr. Phil, Damned the 27 or 28 connectivity traits they use to match you up, Damned eHarmony and Match.com with their clever marketing, Damned the creating some sort of profile that is supposed to tell someone who I am in 500 characters or less and Damned sitting in front of my computer waiting for my Inbox to alert me that I match or someone matches me—isn’t that the epitome of lazy? Yeah, I know, I know way too much about something I “DAMNED” so much—don’t JUDGE me—haha!! But seriously, where do you go? My best friend Jeff says that you can meet the best women in the grocery store…more on that at a later date (maybe an experiment is in the making…stay tuned). I am sure that I will have to address this at a later date.
As I said, it has taken me several days to write this blog—I had a bunch of internal ISHT going on as the truth was MESSING me up, I was MESSING me up (see above). And after I got out of my own head and actually started listening, Liz smacked me in the face with what both she and EP were really saying: it is easy as hell to find someone, it doesn’t take a bar, dating site, social event, single’s bible study (no comment) , meeting ina grocery store or any crap like that, finding someone is the easy part, many times it just happens, but keeping them is the hard part and where the real work comes into play.
In my stupid stupor I have had many relationships—repeat HAD!!! And, as we can see,from this blog, therein lies the huge problem--HAD. I have had many relationships, but I have not maintained them. Too many issues to explain—I will probably reveal them later, but you can imagine.--LAZY & STUPID I haven’t put in the REAL work necessary to make them lasting relationships. I won’t lie, the last one I did, (seriously) and the one before that I did , I thought (leaving out the comments I made that I thought were jokes, but ending up ENDING my relationship) but as Liz often says, “Right Guy, Wrong Girl, Wrong Guy, Right Girl, Right Guy, Right Girl, Wrong Time…” But, the whole point is that when I was blessed with a relationship, I chose not to put in the work. You know, the things that you do in the beginning, but don’t do over the course of the relationship—see: dressing up, maintaining that “spark”, not farting (we all do it, I still think it is funny), maintaining physical and mental appearances (no matter what any one says, both are very important), communicating, doing the small things (my ex-fiance use to tell me that A LOT), focusing on the romance, reiterating her importance in my life, the list goes on and on. Whatever the case may be, for some reason ,I tended to lose focus and I am wondering why? As the truth continues to reveal itself, and I continue to put that mirror up to myself, we will see…
happen, but it is even harder when you know it is everything
you want.”
It has taken me several days to write this installation to this crazy blog endeavor and the reason is that sometimes the truth can hurt. While at times hurtful, it can be the most helpful tool when you are trying to learn more about yourself and become more “Un-Stupid”—that isn’t even a damned word, but you get the idea.
Here is the “skinny”, as I am apt to do, I was talking with my friends, Liz and EP (MISTAKE, never ever let two very educated and self-aware women that know you, “Break You Down”---haha) a few days back and they told me that one of my problems (it has been established that I have MANY) is that I am lazy—stupid and lazy great combo, right? Now, when I heard that from them, my first thought (typical by most men’s standards) was “screw that, (well, that other word…I am trying not to use too much profanity, I ain’t no heathen) they are my friends, but they don’t really know the type of work I am putting in to improve myself and the person I am striving to be.” I mean, I am here writing all about my many relational flaws, airing out all of my dirty laundry for all of the world to see, (5 readers and counting…okay 6, my Mom has two email addresses) as some sort of cathartic/self-effacing therapy. So, I really thought/think that I was/am putting in the work necessary to grow; not be this lazy person that they claim that I am being. I ain’t on the sidelines of my relationship life (or lack thereof) watching, hell, I am a starter, on the front lines working my ass off. So, when they started explaining their observations a little further, I started doing that thing that a lot of us (men) do when we are on the defensive and people (women) are telling us things that sound too much like right…I started zoning out. Their words started sounding like baby pterodactyls screeching (I am making the noise know) and I was only listening to snippets of the things that “I” wanted to hear—acting like I was paying attention, but knowing I really wasn’t. I won’t lie, I was kinda pissed! In my inner dialogue, I was still saying that same-old, same-old, “they don’t know me, they don’t know the real deal.” Now, I am in my own head, thinking what I want to think—you know ,missing the whole damned point! I was now onto the next thought-“Now they are telling me I have an inability to actively seek-out potential mates/or long term relationship…hell, have they ever tried to actively go out and find someone to be with them as a lifelong partner in this single jungle. Hell, they are happy people in happy relationships—what in the hell can they possibly know, they got someone…they are disconnected.
Still swimming around in my own head, I went down the rabbit hole a little further and started thinking, “seriously where can single people REALLY go seeking that Right Person?” I have done the bar scene **chirp, chirp, chip**…not saying that you can’t find the love of your life there, but in my experiences, you tend to find more of the “love of the night” sort of scenarios. Yes, fun while it lasts, (20-30 minutes—yeah fellas, be real, ain’t too many marathon nights and anyone who has lied and said that, well, THEY LIED...ladies will back me up on this) but what do you do when the morning comes, oh, I know, the walk of SHAME!!!?
Still thinking on my own thoughts, the Neyo (shout out to the Orignal Matrix) part of me breaks off even further(I take the blue pill) and I am thinking “ain’t no way in hell I am doing some ‘online’ dating thing. (Sidebar, I know several great couples that have met this way-much love) Damned Dr. Phil, Damned the 27 or 28 connectivity traits they use to match you up, Damned eHarmony and Match.com with their clever marketing, Damned the creating some sort of profile that is supposed to tell someone who I am in 500 characters or less and Damned sitting in front of my computer waiting for my Inbox to alert me that I match or someone matches me—isn’t that the epitome of lazy? Yeah, I know, I know way too much about something I “DAMNED” so much—don’t JUDGE me—haha!! But seriously, where do you go? My best friend Jeff says that you can meet the best women in the grocery store…more on that at a later date (maybe an experiment is in the making…stay tuned). I am sure that I will have to address this at a later date.
As I said, it has taken me several days to write this blog—I had a bunch of internal ISHT going on as the truth was MESSING me up, I was MESSING me up (see above). And after I got out of my own head and actually started listening, Liz smacked me in the face with what both she and EP were really saying: it is easy as hell to find someone, it doesn’t take a bar, dating site, social event, single’s bible study (no comment) , meeting ina grocery store or any crap like that, finding someone is the easy part, many times it just happens, but keeping them is the hard part and where the real work comes into play.
In my stupid stupor I have had many relationships—repeat HAD!!! And, as we can see,from this blog, therein lies the huge problem--HAD. I have had many relationships, but I have not maintained them. Too many issues to explain—I will probably reveal them later, but you can imagine.--LAZY & STUPID I haven’t put in the REAL work necessary to make them lasting relationships. I won’t lie, the last one I did, (seriously) and the one before that I did , I thought (leaving out the comments I made that I thought were jokes, but ending up ENDING my relationship) but as Liz often says, “Right Guy, Wrong Girl, Wrong Guy, Right Girl, Right Guy, Right Girl, Wrong Time…” But, the whole point is that when I was blessed with a relationship, I chose not to put in the work. You know, the things that you do in the beginning, but don’t do over the course of the relationship—see: dressing up, maintaining that “spark”, not farting (we all do it, I still think it is funny), maintaining physical and mental appearances (no matter what any one says, both are very important), communicating, doing the small things (my ex-fiance use to tell me that A LOT), focusing on the romance, reiterating her importance in my life, the list goes on and on. Whatever the case may be, for some reason ,I tended to lose focus and I am wondering why? As the truth continues to reveal itself, and I continue to put that mirror up to myself, we will see…
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What She SAID…What I HEARD…
So today I had this wonderful epiphany, a huge realization of sorts, something that may even surpass my own stupidity--MAYBE! I realized that I am no different than any other man in my situation, but there are a couple of exceptions. Contrary to what many have said, (thank you for your responses via Facebook, Twitter, by phone, IM & SKYPE, in person, etc…) I am no misogynist, I am really not superficial, I am not surface, (those could be construed as the same thing but whatever) I am not unrelenting in my beliefs (change can be good) and I am willing to learn--though I may be a little remedial in my studies, I AM willing. Hell, it takes a long time to attempt to undo 35 years of ignorance. But, I do know what I like and where my deficiencies live. The real problem, the core if you will is that I, like most men TRULY Love women, I mean, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE women, BUT have the damnedest time understanding them—what they say, what they mean, their actions, reactions or lack thereof…it is like they are speaking Chinese I only understand Spanish. I am sure that many men reading this can relate and if not, this is not meant for you and you don’t count—stop reading. Hell, I am not even sure if a man like that was ever really created, and if you were, you are the mystical and magical white unicorn or the great sasquatch that many have claimed to have seen, but not any one that I know. Therefore, you don’t exist in my world!! And, if you do exist and we cross paths, I will tell all my female friends that they missed-out on the greatest thing ever created by God’s hands—The Infamous “Unicorn Sasquatch Man.”
Back to the matter at hand, COMMUNICATION, or lack thereof. I have married friends, Happily Married (SURPRISE) and they all tell me that communication is THE key to a happy relationship/marriage, but none of them can ever claim to ever Really understand their wives. I am not knocking them by any means, I mean, hell look at where I am—sitting behind a computer keyboard typing a blog about my “singledom”, and they are celebrating their lives together, so I am in no position to criticize, I just want to understand.
My friends and I have spent many SundayFundays “waxing philosophical” and watching football talking over hours and hours of “What Women Want”, “What Women Think”…hell, Hollywood has made tons of movies on the subject and the consensus of my friends and the movies for that matter, is to simply say that WE DON’T KNOW!!!
As I explore this single life, (did I mention that it sucks) I realize that I tend to have way more questions than answers and this COMMUNICATION THING is no different. But I do have my thoughts—crazy, but they are thoughts. Oh yeah, for any relationship critics reading this (you know who you are), I said “thing” because it FITS don’t read any thing into that for the love of God.
Men and women simply communicate on different levels, way different levels—shall we look at “When Harry Met Sally” as an example—the diner scene was awesome and sad all at the same time—two different levels. Not for nothing, women can do that same thing with tears—both of which suck if they happen to you, but as a guy, you may never know. A great and Evil weapon if you will. Women tend to encompass the entire picture, they have the 10,000 foot view, while men tend to focus on one thing, one object, at 10 foot view…no women, I did not say that you were smarter…(you might be) and I didn’t say men (all men) are stupid, just a lot of us—we just see things differently. I will break it down like this, and you will have to trust me on this one because there will be a lot of trees and not a lot of forest on this adventure. I love football, so I am going to use a football analogy that hopefully both women and men will understand, somewhat:
Women tend to view relationships and life like an Offensive Coordinator. They analyze the defense, they know if there will be a blitz by the linebacker, a stunt by the defensive lineman, if there is zone or man coverage and they know the offensive scheme like no one else. They know the responsibilities and routes of the wide receivers, the blocking scheme of the offensive line, they know if the tight end is in on the blocking scheme or if he is running a route, they know if a run is called where the running back is suppose to go, if there is a pass, who the running back is supposed to block and for the quarterback they know if it is a 3 or 5 step drop, they know the “hot route”, “check down” and if there is an audible, they usually know the audible play—that is what you get with women.
Men, well, let’s say that a man is a single player on the offensive unit, if we are playing wide-receiver, we know if we are running a “go route” a “hitch and go” or if there is a need for us to pick up a block down field. If we are lineman, we know our blocking responsibility, a tight-end, if we are running a route or blocking, a running back, if we are running the ball, faking, picking up the block for our quarterback or acting as the “check down” option but we RARELY, I MEAN RARELY know the responsibilities of anyone other than our own. I mean, we know the audible and the snap count, but sometimes we even get that wrong—“False Start on #33 On The Offense”. I know that there are some quarterbacks among us—meaning that they know the offensive play calls and the responsibilities of the integral parts and they may read something in the defense to cause them to change the play call, but just like the Brett Favres in the NFL, those are few are far between in the REAL WORLD! Let's call them the MysticalMagicalUniquaFavrian Quarterbacking GOD!!! You see one, GRAB 'EM!! They are worth a lifetime!!
What I am saying is that I guess that we as men, I as a man, need to try and think more like Offensive Coordinators and women need to think more like players-somehow we both have to meet at 5,000 feet. How we accomplish that, well, that is that whole Chinese thing to me? You ever listened in when a quarterback calls a play he received from the Offensive Coordinator:
Queen Right Jet Right 940 F Corner Swing On 3
I understand that so much more than when I hear, “We Need To Talk”—seriously what does that mean? I think that it is Chinese for "You Messed Up, You Need To TRY TO DO SOMETHING To Fix It"--DAMNIT, there in lies the problem.
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